Do You Really Know What You Want?

by John Lundholm, RN, M.A.

Excerpt from the DASH Manual

What Do you Want?

Positive Change moves towards an outcome instead of away from a problem.

Making a positive change in one’s life, and getting what you want in life starts out by setting an objective or goal. The question is ``What do you want?'' This sounds obvious, and yet many people are unable to answer this question in a way that makes the change likely. Often, maybe the majority of the time, the objective is stated in a way that needs modification. NLP uses the expression "well-formedness” to describe conditions that a goal or “outcome” must satisfy in order to be a useful basis for change.

A well-formed outcome should satisfy the following conditions: 1) Stated in the positive. 2) Specific and contextualized. 3) Sensory Based 4) Under your control. 5) "Ecological'' .

1) Stated in the Positive. Most often people think of an outcome in the form, "I want to stop doing X''. Instead of asking ourselves` “What do I want?” we ask ourselves “What's the problem?” or “What's bothering us?” These questions are appropriate at times, but in these cases the question is better stated, “What is the challenge, or opportunity for change am I’m facing?” This might seem like pickiness, but in order to change a current situation, you must replace it by something else. It's important that this replacement behavior be your deliberate choice. We are all aware of examples of people who quit smoking, only to gain weight.

Finding an outcome stated in the positive isn't always easy, but it can also be very powerful in directing your efforts. If for example you start with  "I want to stop being so self-conscious,'' ask yourself  "How would I like to feel in those situation where I am currently self-conscious?'' The lack of a positive outcome is often part of what keeps you in the problem state.

2) Specific and contextualized: Typically our goals are vague. Our initial outcome may be: “I want to stop being so self-conscious.” The first step is to state it positively, “I want to be self-confident.” To focus more specifically you need to ask yourself, ``In what situations am I too self conscious? And what happens when I am too self conscious? And what do I mean by 'self-confident'?''

3) Sensory based: When the change you desire actually does occur, how will you know it? You might ask yourself, “How do I or how will I feel when I am self-confidence. What do I do, what do I say?” When I was a practicing psychotherapist, often a breakthrough occurred when the client was able to answer these questions. They would often realize that they already had the resources within themselves to make the desired change in themselves.

4) Under Your Control: Often what we say will want for ourselves is really what we want for someone else. An example of an outcome that is not well formed in this respect is ``I want my spouse to love me.'' You can certainly do things to make this more likely, such as, being more accepting, more fun, more passionate or whatever might produce this result, but you can not make him love you. Any one of the behaviors on your part, acceptance, fun or passion could be developed into a well-formed outcome

Often our initially stated goal is really a change in our life that would presumably result from changes in ourselves. For instance, "I want to earn more money,'' or  "I want to be successful with the opposite sex,” are not well formed. You need to identify changes in your own behavior that might bring about these desired results. Once these changes in behavior have been identified, they can be developed into well-formed outcomes. (Or once you realize what changes in yourself are necessary for your desired result, you may decide that it's not worth it.)

5) "Ecological": One can think of a person as being a system. A change that seems desirable will have effects throughout that system, and perhaps also throughout the relationships and other “systems” you are a part of. It is important to check not only that the desired change is worthwhile, but that all its consequences are worthwhile.

Usually even the most problematic behaviors have some benefit. Often efforts to solve a problem are frustrated because once you no longer have your problem, you would lose various side benefits of the problem. This is called secondary gain. A well-formed outcome preserves the side benefits of the problem behavior you are changing.

Is what you want consistent with who your are, and with your beliefs and values? There are many elements to consider. Do you really believe you can get what you want? Do you deserve it? Are you willing to do the things you need to do to get your goals?

If you overlook these questions you will be frustrated in your efforts. For years I had a goal of “get rich” (that’s not a well-formed outcome; there was more to it, but I’m just abbreviating). I had several failed ventures before I realized that I had a deep down conviction that wealth is morally wrong. I was sabotaging my own efforts. I had to either change my goals, or change my beliefs and values regarding money.

Getting what you want in life requires knowing what you want and knowing yourself.

Copyright ©2001, revised 2007